How to lose friends and alienate people when traveling

  1. Complain. About the smell, the lack of infrastructure, the food, the price, the look of people, their rudeness.
  2. Speak English only. Don’t even say hello or thank you in the local language. Engage directly the conversation in English.
  3. If people don’t understand you, try speaking louder.
  4. If you find yourself with a local who speaks English, use as much idioms and slang as you can.
  5. Mock any attempts to speak the language by one of you fellow travelers.
  6. Split the restaurant bill equally between participants when you have ordered more than anyone else.
  7. Insist on paying on your own, if you ate less than the others.
  8. Take pictures of locals, but don’t ask them if you can. Move them around if it can make a better picture.
  9. Take pictures of you fellow travelers and let them know how bad they look on them.
  10. Never tip.
  11. Never say please or thank you.
  12. Make jokes or derogatory comments about people around if they cannot understand you.
  13. When in presence of a national treasures, say that you thought it would be bigger or prettier and only look at it through your photographic lenses.
  14. Confront local people about their history. Ask them if members of their family were nazis, red khmers, tontons macoutes, pro slavery and so on.
  15. Buy ivory, cultural relics and archeological artifacts.
  16. Never remove your shoes or cover your head when you go to a temple/mosque/tomb.
  17. Show disdain and disregard to any local folklore and traditions.
  18. If you are staying at someone’s house, let them know all that is not as good/new/modern as what you have at home.
  19. Where on a plane, recline your seat abruptly and don’t warn the person behind you. After all, this is your seat.
  20. Always play electronic games with the sound on.

Author: Mindaugas Markus

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